I always think myself as a so-so parent. I'm not the kind that has patience of the size of the mountain. I got angry damn easily. Especially during the regular nose-liquidation period, where my mood can swing from bad to worse in a hiccup. Lately I have developed a tendency to release my anger towards the kid, who now has turned into a young version of Johny Delinger, creating havoc in his own innocent way. For every scolding I've given to the kid, a thousand pound of regret shall quickly follow though. Damn he's too adorable to throw my angst at.
Yesterday, I screamed and landed my giant fat palm on his thigh. The reaction on his face brought upon me the biggest heaviest feel of guilt and regret I have ever felt. Numbness spread through all over my body, as the kid made his 'sad, afraid, but holding the tears back' look and threw it right at my face. I was left speechless. To add to my misery, the wife went berserk and cried a hell of a river beside me.
Yes, I was behaving like a mad man, a crazy old fella who you always hate on tv. Worse, I was behaving like my father. I am a man who can't keep a promise to myself, but damn I will try my hardest to change, to become a better parent. He is a kid god damn it, I was way over the line on that one. God, this feel of guilt is a torture!!
Last night after the incident, the kid played his ass out as usual, jumping and running all over the place, leaving a trail of messes behind his every step. You know what, one thing I learn is that how hard I scold my son he never keeps it in him, he always come and shows his love to me no matter what. So there he was, all yawning and sleepy, grabbed his blanket and smiled cheekily to me, grabbing my arm towards the bedroom, asking me to take him to sleep. The heart just melted, man. And you know what? He even refused to let his mommy to lullaby him to sleep. He got to me, spreading his arms wide, begging me to put him to bed. Damn it, he wanted me, the bad parent, the one who scolded him heartlessly just a mere hours ago, to send him to the dreamland. How God has his own way to teach us lessons eh?
The heart melted like ice cream in a hot lava. As I landed my head to sleep, a drop of tear slid down my cheek. I'm sorry boy. I promise I'll be better.
